Is cloud really that difficult to understand? No, it’s not. In fact, tapping into cloud resources is much simpler than the traditional model of purchasing and maintaining hardware in addition to the consideration of the resources themselves. In other words, you take the capital expenditure model, remove the machines, take a wrecking ball to the data center (or turn it into a homeless shelter, whatever you want), and now – voila – you have the operating expenditure model of the cloud.

Easy, right? Well, sure, there’s the virtual part, but if you can basically understand the Internet, you can understand the core underpinnings of the cloud. Agreeing with that sentiment, David Linthicum wrote last year in InfoWorld that he didn’t understand why cloud was challenging to some folks, although it did mean he could have a career as a cloud consultant.

Linthicum mentioned that although cloud was a basic concept, as it becomes ubiquitous, fools rush in where angels also tread, elbowing them out of the way to convince you that they can guide you toward an optimized cloud experience.

Here’s the thing: Linthicum is more than just an attractive and refined man. As the author of 13 books on information technology, not one of them a picture book or chapbook, he also knows what he’s talking about.

Let’s look at why the Nimrod Cloud Nation population is growing, along with the three kinds of village idiots Linthicum recommends you avoid when integrating a cloud hosting environment into your business.

Nimrod Cloud Nation Population Surges – Why?

Well, cloud is growing, and as it grows, it gets more complex. International Data Corporation (IDC) researchers forecast that 75% of existing infrastructure-as-a-service (IaaS) plans (that’s unbridled cloud virtual machines as opposed to ready-made software or platforms) would be modified, renamed, or discarded over the next two years – all that while competition in the market heats up to topple the evil warlock living in a fortified castle on top of the hill, AWS.

Furthermore, explains Canada’s Financial Times in its summary of the IDC report, “by 2016, more than half of organizations building hybrid clouds will acquire workload-aware cloud management products; 65% of the criteria used to choose which workloads [are] cloud-ified will be tied to data privacy regulations.”

In other words, although cloud is basic, the industry is becoming more crowded, solutions are diversifying, and new law is expected. Everyone wants to adopt this technology using best practices. As Dr. Steve Brule would say, dinguses run into the room and say that they have a golden ticket and that they can show you how everyone in your company can take a tour of a magical cloud chocolate factory.

Here are three types of cloud “gurus” who don’t necessarily have a clue about the technology. These guys are the cloud’s version of the schmucks who used to say they could make you a website, and all they’d do is stick your business’s name and a couple pictures and paragraphs on a template, and take your $3000. Here are the dinguses of cloud, as described by Linthicum and confirmed by Dr. Brule:

Cloud Dingus #1 – Lifelong Cloud Professional

This character will tell you that he has been working with cloud systems for decades.

What he’s actually referring to is time-share computing, which was developed in the 50s and early 60s. In time-sharing, various users hooked up to the power of a single, high-performance central processing unit (CPU) in sequence. Although each user essentially had to wait in line, because the CPU was so strong, it was able to perform several distinct computations with each I/O transmission.

Hence, explains the Encyclopaedia Brittanica , “access to and retrieval from the time-sharing system seems instantaneous from the standpoint of remote terminals since the solutions are available to them the moment the problem is completely entered.”

Obviously time-share computing from half a century ago is nothing like cloud computing of 2015. Time-share computing did not allow people to slice and dice services and resources to meet their needs, with the possibility to scale astronomically on-demand. Cloud does, ya dingus.

Cloud Dingus #2 – Paranoid Anti-Cloud Proselytizer

This character will tell you that cloud is so lacking in the security department that it is against the law. He is under the impression that government codes forbid cloud use for certain industries.

Sure, there are regulations related to some digital records, but most information can be stored and processed in public clouds; private clouds can be used for the rest. “Indeed, considering the number of colocation and managed service providers that hold data, as well as data exchanges,” Linthicum explained, “ if offsite data were illegal the cops would have busted down the doors long ago.

Hey, get the door. They’ve come to get you, ya dingus.

Cloud Dingus #3 – Cloud Fiancé

This character is so in love with the cloud, why doesn’t he marry it? He is obsessed with the technology to an extent that it is delusional. Or maybe he really is in love.

Cloud does not work best for every IT scenario. The use of this technology needs to be functional rather than based on what’s been most prominently discussed in the news. Don’t make all your decisions based on the papers and TMZ. And don’t get married to a computer, ya dingus.

For Nimrod Nation Evacuees

Do you need an escape from the cloud dinguses around you? Steer clear of 100% cloud service providers that set up shop in 2013.

We have been in the hosting business since 1996; and we don’t employ any lifelong cloudophiles, paranoid Luddites, or computer-romancing dinguses – as demanded by accomplished television star Dr. Steve Brule.

Here’s our story.

By Kent Roberts